this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
foreskin is a definite game changer
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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