At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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