Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
