I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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