I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
