The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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