3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
