I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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