she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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