My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
