Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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