my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
