You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's rum buckets o'clock
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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