you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
