I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
