My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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