his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
