We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize