I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
