Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
