haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
