everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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