We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
