hotel room ftw
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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