btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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