Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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