Cold hands, warm shart.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
