Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
