Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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