Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
