You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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