thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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