im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
