so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
