i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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