she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
