I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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