So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
