Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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