Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
