I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
