Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize