Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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