don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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