My liver just broke up with me...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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