is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
