I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
