false alarm. still invincible.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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