Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
