you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize