Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
