It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
