my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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