I think scott just propositioned me for sex
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
