i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
