I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize