i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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