Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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