The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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